Since November 2019…

2:54pm – 27 November 2019

I arrived at Paddington Station, purchased my train tickets to Newbury for the upcoming Friday. Then, I went to Starbucks to get some vanilla latte with almond milk intending to write something for this blog. It was really a hard day for me because as soon I woke up in the morning, I dressed quickly and hurried to the gym.  Returning home, I suddenly burst into tears as I recalled it was the day when my dad ended up in the intensive care unit at the hospital. I am aware that I probably mention my dad in every blog I have written but it happens and I feel the need to share this with you. 

To be continued…

12th October 2020

I never had the chance to finish telling you how I was feeling a year ago. However, I do remember vividly that I was at Starbucks sipping my coffee and began writing. Suddenly, tears welled up in my eyes, so to avoid being embarrassed that people saw me crying, I immediately got up and left the place. 

Recently, I started doing podcasts where I interviewed people about their experiences throughout lockdown. It went successful but I didn’t keep up the consistency of doing it. I felt the need to pause for a while.

In September, I celebrated my 25th birthday. I had originally made plans to celebrate with friends and family but all that changed when the UK Government imposed restrictions due to Covid 19.  Hence the decision to have a Zoom party instead. It was quite an unnatural experience to have a party over Zoom but it was great to see and interact with my family and friends. They all participated in a quiz which I had arranged. Although it was fun and I had a fabulous time, a part of me felt lost, missing and uneasy! I have been battling these feelings for a long time since my dad died. Of course, my mom is always around to speak to me and give her support. I told my mom that since my dad passed, I don’t have a male role model to talk to about certain things which I could share with my dad but would be uncomfortable sharing with her or anyone else. 

Recently, I watched a Netflix series called “Extreme Engagement” where couples go away for a year to test their relationship while being engaged. There’s one scene in particular that one guy said that “He wasn’t trying to prove her by doing things to show her that he is a man.” He was trying to prove himself doing things himself to feel like a man. It was during the scene where a guy called Tim went to Indonesia with his fiancée PJ to learn how to fight like warrior. Believe me, when I tell you it was a brutal fight where they beat each other with sticks with only a shield for protection. My point is, that since my dad passed away and I had just finished my masters, I thought I was ready for the real world having completed my university studies. But being out there in the real world has many implications and challenges! I thought that having completed my studies it was my passport to finding a good job that is highly paid. I have sent out many job applications and had interviews but so far, no offers. It is so frustrating and disappointing! The waiting and waiting! It is like I am stuck in a bubble waiting to be burst! 

It is not just about being masculine and having someone who is a man to talk to. It is mainly down to asking myself whether I am mentally prepared for the real world and becoming a man. I would need to touch on those topics a bit more when I am mentally comfortable and confident enough to share my feelings. Fortunately or unfortunately there is a lot of time to find the answers during this partial lockdown. This blog is a good platform on which to express my views and feelings so you can expect to hear from me sometime soon. 

I hope everyone is coping well with coronavirus situation. I know it is tough for some people but hold strong to the belief that things will eventually get better! Keep positive thoughts! “There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.” I know it has been a while since I last uploaded a blog, but I have not forgotten about it and there will be plenty more to write!

God Bless, 

Thomas

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